


Fallout

by bangin_patchouli



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Big Brother Alec, Brotherly Affection, Brotherly Love, Gen, I Love You, Kind of fluffy, No Relationship, Spoilers, between city of bones and city of ashes, don't read if that upsets you, limp Jace, limp jace lightwood, okay im done, really sad, trigger warning: self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-22
Updated: 2015-02-22
Packaged: 2018-03-13 13:58:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3384191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bangin_patchouli/pseuds/bangin_patchouli
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec noticed. Everyone noticed really. But Alec noticed and it destroyed him.<br/>~<br/>Set after City of Bones and kind of in City of Ashes. So basically when Jace and Clary *spoiler* still think they're brother and sister.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fallout

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to say that /I don't ship Alec and Jace/ (if you do, that's okay also). But I don't, and this is brotherly love, nothing else. Okay, carry on (my wayward son).

 

* * *

      Alec noticed. Everyone noticed, really. But Alec noticed, and it destroyed him. Alec noticed that Jace wasn't eating. That every time there were demons in the city, Jace would throw himself into battle. Alec noticed the red cuts on Jace's wrists when his long sleeve was shifted up. Alec noticed the blades in the drawer in Jace's bathroom. Alec noticed the faint sobs in the dead of night, when Jace thought nobody would hear. And he hated it. He needed somebody to blame. Valentine, Jocelyn, Alec didn't care. He just needed Jace to _be okay again._

 

      "Hey," Isabelle said loudly from the lounge," does anybody want to go out?" Alec looked up from his book, and Jace stood up from kneeling by the fire place. Alec looked to Jace for his answer. Jace nodded, barely. Alec turned back to Isabelle.

      "Yeah, sure. Where should we go?" Isabelle made a humming noise, thinking.

      "Maybe we could go to Taki's? Walk around?" Isabelle suggested. Neither boy said anything. Isabelle rolled her eyes. "We just need to get out of here," She said.

      "I agree," Jace spoke up quietly. "Let's go." Isabelle nodded, nervously looking at her brother. He nodded reassuringly back. Jace walked over to his _parabatai_ and held out his hand. Alec took it and pulled himself up from the chair. Alec straightened his black sweater, Isabelle tugged on her boots, and Jace pulled on his leather jacket over his black long sleeve shirt, and they were out the door.

 

      They walked the chilly, crowded streets of Brooklyn, walking so closely that their arms brushed with each step they took. Small talk was passed between Alec and Isabelle, but Jace was silent. Alec wondered if he was remembering what Clary and he had done while walking the same exact streets together. Alec vowed to himself that the next time he saw Valentine Morgenstern, he would make him feel pain. Pain worse than what he was putting Jace through.

      "Hey, why don't we go here?" Isabelle said as the approached small café. Alec mumbled a 'sure, why not', then looked to Jace. Jace was looking down, his eyes glassy. Alec pulled his hand out of his pocket and place it gently on Jace's upper arm, stopping. Jace looked over to Alec, his eyes slightly still contained in a daydream, though Alec suspected it was a good one.

      "Jace," Alec said gently," what do you think?" Thought it was a simple question, he meant it deeper, wanting to know Jace _actually_ felt. Jace nodded quickly. Hesitantly, Alec removed his hand from Jace's arm.

      "Yeah, here's fine," Jace said quietly. Isabelle led them in, and a warm, gentle blast of air blew against their chilled skin.

      "Three, please," Izzy told the waiter at the front of the café - who, Alec might have added, had a fine ass -. The three black clad shadowhunters were seated in a cozy corner where Isabelle and Alec ordered a coffee each, but Jace asked for nothing.

      "Jace, are you sure you don't want anything?" Alec asked as soon as the waiter had gone. Jace nodded, trying to be assuring by adding false smile.

      "I'm okay," he said, his voice sounding dragged down, tired. Alec felt his heart be sliced into.

      "Alright," Alec murmured softly. "I just wanted to make sure." Jace started out the window, which was now pattered with small drops of rain, while Isabelle and Alec chatted quietly across the table.

      Eventually, the chatter died down between them, and there was silence at the table. The setting of the café might have been relaxing to Alec if he hadn't been eating himself away with worry for his brother. Out of nowhere, Jace spoke.

      "I took Clary here once," He mumbled. Neither Alec nor Isabelle said anything, just looked at Jace, worry and fear burning in each of their throats.

      "Jace-" Alec started.

      "I think..." Jace paused. "I think I'm going back to the Institute." Then he was gone. The bell to the café's door rang as Jace burst through the threshold and ran out into the rain. Alec and Isabelle immediately were up. Alec stopped and looked over to Isabelle.

      "You stay here, call mom. I'll go get him," Alec said, taking control. Isabelle nodded as she hesitantly sat back down, pulling out her phone. Alec was out of the café within seconds. He didn't see Jace anywhere, but he knew  which way his brother had taken. Quickly, Alec darted across the street, ignoring the honking cars. He switched to turn right and sprinted up the hill in the direction of the Institute. In seven minutes tops, Alec was back home. He burst through the doors , rushed up the stairs, and bolted down the silent hallway to Jace's room. Alec's body stopped right before he slammed into the wooden door. His hand went to the doorknob, but it wouldn't budge.

      "Dammit, Jace," Alec growled, releasing it with a jerk. "Jace! Open the door!" Alec shouted, trying not to sound harsh. Abruptly, he heard a muffled cry from the other side of the door, a little ways in. Alec's heart stopped. "Jace, please. Please let me in... Let me... Let me help you," Alec pleaded. Nothing. _Last resort,_ Alec thought. He  stepped back and rammed his shoulder into the door. Once, twice, three times and the door collapsed with a slam to the ground. Alec leapt over it, and his eyes darted around the room. He didn't see Jace. The bathroom was his only other option. Dashing into the bathroom, he saw Jace.

      Jace was leaned against the counter cabinets. It would have looked okay, if blood wasn't spattered on the floor, on Jace's clothes, and on his wrists. His _wrists..._ Gashes deeper than the ocean covered Jace's beautiful skin. A blade was gripped tightly in Jace's left hand, a blade Alec hated with all his might. Tears, angelic tears, flowed endlessly down Jace's cheeks. Jace looked up, startled and pleading, at Alec. Alec was frozen. He couldn't move. He had known it was there, he had seen the signs of Jace's depression, but he had never seen it in action.

      Quickly, Alec shook himself out of his daze. He rushed to Jace and dropped to his knees. Gently, Alec took the blade out of his brother's hand. A whimper left Jace's lips, and Alec felt another scrape be cut into his heart. He dropped the blade into the sink above them and reached for a towel. As carefully as he could, Alec grabbed Jace's left wrist and pressed the pure white towel on it to stop the bleeding.

      "Alec, I-" Jace began. His voice, usually sarcastic and confident, sounded broken and vulnerable, and Alec couldn't help but help but feel his eyes sting with tears he refused to let fall.

      "Shh, Jace. Quiet," Alec murmured, setting down Jace's wrist on his own lap. He took the other, though the bleeding had already nearly stopped. The towel, which had been white not moments ago, was almost completely red. Jace winced, and Alec became even gentler, if it were possible. Finished, Alec released Jace's wrist and reached into his pocket for his stele. Jace was staring fearfully and blankly at the ground.

      "Jace," Alec whispered, "let me see your wrists." Jace didn't respond. Alec shifted to be in front of Jace, where he took his brother's wrists and placed them in his lap again. Jace looked up at Alec, the tears in his eyes threatening to spill over again.

      "Alec-" Jace's voice cracked. Alec lifted Jace onto his lap, as if he were nearly weightless, and it was like they were kids again. Like when Jace would come to Alec in tears, wishing his parents were there. No one knew, of course, but Alec remembered. He knew Jace did, too. Alec wrapped his arms securely around Jace. Sobs racked Jace's body, and he drew in ragged breaths. Jace was shaking, and his hands gripped tightly onto Alec. The older boy was sure Jace's cries of pure torture and sadness could be heard all throughout the Institute. Alec held his little brother, tears of his own trailing down his cheeks.

      "I love her, but I can't - I can't -" Jace wailed suddenly, slightly startling Alec. Jace clutched tighter at Alec's sweater.

      "I know, shh... Jace..." Alec murmured, trailing off. With his arms around his brother's body, Alec gently rubbed Jace's back in an up and down motion, trying his hardest to calm the younger boy down. Jace's breath was ragged and uneven, being sucked in through his teeth. Alec felt his shoulder damp.

      "Alec, I-" Jace managed before he choked on spit and tears. Alec brought his finger to his brother's hair, stroking the curls softly, trying desperately to soothe him. Eventually, Jace calmed down until he was hiccupping and a few silent tears still making their way down his cheeks. The two boys sat together on the bloodstained floor. Alec stroked Jace's back, holding his tightly, yet gently, against himself. It smelled metallic in the room, and Jace had gone silent and limp in Alec's arms.

      "Jace?" Alec whispered, slight worry in his tone. It took moment for Jace to respond.

      "I'm okay," Jace breathed, willing his voice not to reveal how dead and broken he really was. Jace shakily pushed himself off of Alec, hands on the older boy's chest momentarily. Alec looked his brother in his golden eyes, asking _are you okay?_ Jace gave a small shake of the head, looking down.

      "Why don't we wash this off?" Alec suggested gently. Lightly leaving Jace on the floor against the wall, Alec stood and walked to the shower. After turning it on, Alec quietly came back to Jace. Jace looked like an abandon kitten, his eyes softly pleading.

      "Alec, I'm sorry... I shouldn't be acting this way. It's childish, I-I know," Jace rambled.

      "Jace, shh, it's okay," Alec said gently, sitting down in front of Jace again. He took his wrists again, placing them in his lap. Picking up his stele, Alec pressed it to Jace's bloodied skin. Jace winced slightly as the iratze rune burned into his skin. Instantaneously, the cuts on Jace's arms began to disappear, though small white lines were still faintly visible on Jace's stained skin. Alec looked up at Jace, who was staring at Alec's hands.

      "Jace," Alec whispered, causing the younger boy to look up. "Ready?" He asked gently, gesturing to the shower. Regularly, Jace would have made a smart remark, but he didn't, which proved just how broken and depressed he really was. Jace gave a ghost of a nod, not yet moving from the floor. Alec didn't bother to ask if Jace was okay to stand. He slipped his forearms under Jace's under arms and began to pull Jace up from the ground, slowly and carefully. Jace gave a small gasp when he realized how bad his loss of balance _really_ was. He clutched onto Alec until they were standing. Jace leaned tiredly against the wall, and Alec made sure he was going to stay upright. Being as careful as possible, Alec pulled Jace's black long-sleeved shirt over his head, tossing it on the floor. With his hand on Jace's arm to keep him stable, Alec felt Jace shiver. After taking off his own black sweater, leaving his white t-shirt on, Alec opened the shower door and followed in after Jace. Both boys were still in their jeans, and the water began soaking through immediately. Jace lost his balance, which Jace never did, but Alec caught him, pulling him into his chest and easing to the shower floor. Jace tried to quickly pull away, but it only brought blackness to the edge of his vision from the lack of blood and energy. Faintly, Alec heard his phone ringing. Jace leaned back against the wall of the shower, and Alec took his red-stained wrists again. He began to gently wipe away the dried blood with a washcloth that had been in the shower. The warm water ran soothingly down Jace's bare chest and over his hair, making the curls even tighter. Alec gently washed the red stains off of Jace's until it was only tinted pink. Jace stared blankly at the water coming out of the showerhead, and Alec set down the washcloth beside him, now stained a faded red. And they stayed under the warm, running water for a long time. Alec wasn't sure whether the drops of water running down Jace's face was from the shower, or whether he was crying. _And I never cried again..._ Eventually, Jace's eyes shut, and he looked younger than he was. Alec reached up to turn off the water before gathering Jace up in his arms. With one arm around Jace's back, the other tucked under his knees, Alec opened the shower door and stepped out, soaking the floor. Carefully, Alec set Jace down on the small carpet in front of the sink. Alec walked out into Jace's clean room, looking for where his brother kept his clothes. Alec quickly found a drawer and grabbed a pair of flannel pants and a long-sleeved shirt. He figured Jace would want to hide the scars that littered his skin.

      When Alec got back to the bathroom, Jace was still asleep against the floor. Alec kneeled beside him and placed a hand on his younger brother's shoulder. Jace's golden hair was already drying, but he was curled up, preventing his clothes from even beginning to dry. Alec hated to wake him up.

      "Jace," Alec murmured, shaking Jace lightly. Jace's eyes shot open, and he jerked awake, away from Alec. "Hey, Jace, it's okay." Jace relaxed and shakily sat up. "Do you want to put these on?" Alec suggested in a hushed voice. Jace nodded, straightening himself up against the wall behind him. "Okay," Alec said quietly, "I'll be right out there, tell me when you're done." Alec stood, walked silently out of the bathroom, and shut the door behind him. He slid down the wall, then realized his clothes were still soaking wet. Swiftly, he hopped up and sprinted out of Jace's room and into the hallway. When Alec reached his room, he quickly put on pajama pants of his own. He found a black t-shirt he'd left on his bed and pulled it on. His wet hair dripped onto his shirt, but he left the room after shaking it out. Alec got to Jace's room, but his little brother wasn't out yet. He's drained, Alec thought, remember to get some food in the boy later on. Alec walked barefooted over to the door, lightly knocking on it. Alec leaned into the door to hear Jace's voice, knowing it would be soft.

      "Jace? Are you almost done?" Alec asked, his eyes taking sudden interest in the apothecary cabinet Jace used to keep knives, daggers, and his father's silver box.

      "Yeah, I'm done," Jace's small voice carried quietly through the door. Alec twisted open the doorknob and stepped into the bathroom. Jace was standing a few feet away from Alec, unsteady to the point where his hand kept him upright by pushing against the wall. Alec moved swiftly to Jace, who avoided eye contact, and grabbed Jace's elbow to make sure if his legs gave out he wouldn't fall.

      "You're alright?" Alec asked. Jace nodded. "Okay, come on." They walked slowly out of the bathroom and into Jace's room. Jace sat on the edge of his bed, and Alec stood in front of him. Jace looked blankly to the floor, and Alec wondered whether Jace knew that he was staring at Jace's golden eyes with his ice blue ones, which were full of secondhand pain.

      "I'm going to go get you something to eat, alright?" Alec told him. Jace's eyes suddenly snapped up to Alec's, showing worry. Alec gave a halfhearted smile. "Don't worry, not much. Just enough so you won't starve."

      "Alec, no, it's okay. I-I'm not hungry," Jace subtly pleaded. Alec paused from walking to the door. He turned to look at his _parabatai._

      "How many days? Jace, how many days has it been since you've eaten?" Alec asked sternly, yet still gentle. He already knew the answer, thought Jace looked guiltily at his older brother, not replying. "Today is five. Jace, it's been five days since you've eaten. I honestly have no idea how you ran all the way back here." Alec's voice had raised. He immediately felt horrible for letting out some of his anger on Jace. Jace looked down, and Alec could tell he was ashamed, embarrassed, sorry. _Way to go, Alec. Just what he needed,_ Alec thought to himself. Alec walked warily over to Jace, putting his hand reassuringly and apologetically on Jace's arm. The younger boy looked up hesitantly.

      "I'm sorry, Jace. For saying that. For everything, but I need you to eat something. Anything. Not a lot, but just something, please," Alec asked pleadingly. Jace nodded, looking away again.

      "Okay." It was a short response, but it was all that Alec needed to head out the door and down the hall, to the kitchen. Alec quickly grabbed a slice of bread and put it in the toaster. He poured a glass of water and set it down on the counter. In one fast movement, Alec lifted himself up onto the counter to wait for the toast. A realization set in on him as he began to think. _Had Jace actually not eaten_ on purpose _for five days?_ Alec thought. The toast shot out of the machine, and Alec slipped off the counter. He caught in the air and dropped it on a paper plate he had grabbed. With grace of only a shadowhunter, Alec moved quickly and quietly down the corridor to Jace's room. When he came hesitantly into Jace's room, he saw the younger boy sitting on the floor beside the window, his golden hair still slightly damp.

      "Hey, Jace. I, um... I brought just some light stuff; it shouldn't make you sick," Alec said gently, walking over to Jace. Alec briskly dropped down beside his brother. He looked into Jace's golden eyes, illuminated by the setting sun. They looked completely finished, yet still in pain. Jace still said nothing.

      "Jace, you know you can't. I won't let you." Jace looked to Alec, confusion masking his recognition.

      "Do what?" Jace said, as if clueless. Alec looked sternly, yet still easy.

      "You know." And Jace did know. He looked away from Alec. The older brother thought he saw a glistening drop fall from Jace's cheek to the fabric of his pants. Alec softly placed his cold fingers around Jace's wrist. They sat in silence for a moment.

      "Why not?" Jace's voice came out cracked. Alec looked up fearfully at Jace, who was still looking down. Alec was at near loss for words.

      "B-because people... People love you," Alec paused. "You're my brother, and... And _I_ love you." Jace looked to Alec sideways, a small grin playing on his lips. I didn't reach his eyes, but _it almost did._

      "C'mon, Alec, don't get girly on me," Jace said quietly. Though the smile was on his lips, Alec couldn't hear it in his little brother's voice.

      "Jace," Alec gently pleaded, begging his brother to drop the act. And he did. The cover up fell away like rocks in an avalanche. Swiftly shifting the food and water slightly away, Alec opened his arms up. Jace fell into them once again, this time with more control, but still weakly.

      His face next to Alec's ear, Jace whispered, "Thank you." Alec said nothing, just ran his hand reassuringly along Jace's slender back. Jace released himself from his brother.

      "I'll eat," Jace said quietly, taking a look at the food as if it made him nauseous. "If it'll make you feel better." Alec smiled. They were getting somewhere. Alec handed his little brother the plate and the glass. Jace took them both in slightly trembling hands. Slowly, he pressed the edge of the glass to his lips, and Alec's hands were ready if it dropped. But it didn't; Alec could tell Jace didn't want to have to depend on anyone like he did that day. Jace set the water down and started to pick at the toast, near absently.

      "Hey, Jace?" Alec asked, grasping Jace's attention. The younger boy looked up. "You don't have to be strong. At least not everyday. Let me help you, just for now." Jace gave his brother a look saying, alright... I trust you. Alec nodded. "Okay, now eat." Jace did. The two sat against the walls, talking. Eventually, Jace finished the water and toast, but the brothers stayed on the floor. When it was dark out, Alec guessed seven or eight, Jace had begun to get quieter.

      "Alec?" He said softly. Alec replied with a low-spoken 'hm?'. "Do you remember those storied you used to told me when I was learning French?" He asked his older brother.

      "Yeah," Alec murmured. "Which one do you remember?"

      "All of them, but I distinctly remember 'The Chase'," Jace answered, his volume fading. Alec recollected his memories and began to tell the story again in a soft, comforting voice, just like when Jace was nine years old.

      "Les bois avril attente, sensibiles dans chaque brindille feuilles au printemps, se tenaient dans le silence et la nuit sombre autour d'un pavillon..."

 

      Alec had finished the story, although Jace had fallen asleep, his head leaned on Alec's shoulder. Alec sat for a moment, then figured it wasn't good to sleep against a wall, and stood to a kneel. He looped one arm under Jace's knees, the other under his arms. Instinctively, Jace curled into Alec's chest in his sleep. Carefully, Alec laid Jace's limp, sleeping body down on the bed's white comforter. Alec grabbed a blanket out of the trunk at the end of the bed and opened it over Jace. A wary knock sounded from the door. Alec glided over and opened it, seeing Isabelle. He stepped back, letting her in. Together, they leaned against the wall and looked at their little brother.

      "Will he be okay?" Isabelle asked softly. Alec nodded.

      "Yeah," he whispered. "He'll be okay." _He'll be okay._ And Alec knew.        


End file.
